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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629675">Breathe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissForeverRebel/pseuds/MamaFrick'>MamaFrick (MissForeverRebel)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Backstreet Boys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Secret Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:15:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629675</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissForeverRebel/pseuds/MamaFrick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What they had was good, until it threatened to destroy them. Then all Brian wanted to do was just protect Nick, even if he couldn’t get him to understand.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nick Carter/Brian Littrell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Song fic inspired by “Breathe” from the DNA album.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>CHAPTER ONE</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sand keeps slippin’ right through my hands</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Days all feel the same</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Still numb from you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>First step off of this plane I knew</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I suffocate without you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Heart beats for two</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Damnit, Nick! For once in your life, would you please just calm down and listen to me?!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re fucking kidding me right now, right? You made yourself perfectly clear, Brian! You’re a piece of shit and I’m </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>done</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> being your little side bitch! So go back to your perfect life in Georgia and stay the fuck outta mine!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nick, stop-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Just get the fuck out!</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian startled awake when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and feeling a little foolish for having jumped the way he did, he turned his head towards the flight attendant who was standing in the aisle, looking across the two empty seats at him with a smile of apology. They were preparing for landing soon and he would need to bring his seat and tray to the upright position. Brian’s eyes flit momentarily to the soda can and the tiny empty bottle of vodka sitting next to it before he handed the items over to be disposed of, his mind still in a fog from the abrupt awakening.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Thirty minutes later and the plane came to a slow rolling stop at the terminal. The air around Brian felt hot and stifling and he couldn’t wait to get off the aircraft, which seemed to be the general consensus for the travel weary passengers as they all stood from their seats at about the same time. At least it hadn’t been a full flight and Brian’s first class ticket had placed him in the second row, window seat. Hastily, he grabbed his carry on bag from the overhead compartment and rushed to get off the plane, mumbling his apologies as he bumped into several people.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian felt like he couldn’t breathe and each step up the ramp into the terminal made him feel worse, like he had made the biggest mistake of his life by ever leaving in the first place. He should have fought harder that morning after Nick kicked him out when all of his calls and texts went unanswered. He should have gone back to Nick and made him give him a chance to explain himself. But like the coward Nick accused him of being, Brian had done nothing more than retreat to the airport with his tail between his legs to fly back home to Georgia where his wife and son were waiting for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He would smile when he got home, kiss his wife, and tell her the trip was good when she asked, because that’s what Brian did. He had become a master of deceit over the years when it came to hiding what was really going on with him, living behind the facade of the flawless individual that everyone portrayed him to be. Brian </span>
  <b>
    <em>knew</em>
  </b>
  <span> he wasn’t perfect--Nick liked to tell him that he was perfectly flawed--but the problem was that no one else seemed to realize it. And that was the </span>
  <b>
    <em>only</em>
  </b>
  <span> reason why Brian’s infidelity had flown under the radar for so long...the only reason why he had ever allowed himself to continue giving in to the temptation that drew him back to his trysts with Nick time and time again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian supposed after a while he had just become immune to the guilt from the fact that he consistently cheated on his wife by crawling into bed with another man. So not only was Brian breaking the sacred vows of their marital commitment, he was doing it in a way that had been drilled into his head his whole life as being most sinful, sleeping with another man and not just </span>
  <b>
    <em>any</em>
  </b>
  <span> man, but his bandmate...his best friend...his little brother... The truth was, Brian didn’t even care about that anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The internal conflict he felt had long since left him numb to his choices and indifferent to the fact that he had deviated from the original path he had set himself upon. What had started innocently enough after a night of one too many rounds of drinks ended up turning into something far more...something far deeper that Brian quickly lost control of. Addicted, that’s what it was. Before Brian even realized what was happening, he had become addicted to the experiences he and Nick shared. Their secret rendezvous whenever they could steal a few moments together in private, the late night phone calls from separate hotel rooms where they relied on their imagination to bring them to a mutual release, and those pure unadulterated occurrences of raw passion that lasted late into the night before one or both of them passed out from exhaustion.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe Brian was more than addicted…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It left him questioning anything and everything he thought he knew about himself. His beliefs. His morals. Who he actually was as a person. If anything, this shouldn’t have come to him as such a surprise after all. It wasn’t the first time he and Nick had fooled around together; in the earlier days of their career, years after the group had really taken off, it had become a common occurrence for the unusual show of affection between the two. A side glance here, a secret grin there, the occasional kiss or touch from a curious hand that never really seemed all that out of the ordinary for the pair when no one else was looking. After all, Brian and Nick had spent most of their free time together during those days. He had always just considered it as a way of experimenting, though, nothing Brian ever gave serious creed to and when he got together with Leighanne and they eventually married, he all but forgot about the moments he and Nick used to share.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Until they all came flooding back after one night of heavy making out and hasty touching under the guise of their drunken stupor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian and Nick both agreed the following morning that the incident was due to their intoxication clouded judgment. It was done, over with, shouldn’t have happened but it did, now it was time to move on. Forgive, forget, whatever. Although Nick’s choice of language when he woke up naked in bed next to Brian in his hotel room had been far more colorful and rather startling to the both of them. But they parted on what Brian thought was the same page, Nick returning to his wife and Brian returning to his.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian wondered if maybe it was denial that made it so easy to brush their moment of intimacy off like it meant nothing. They’d grown up a lot over the years with the past a long ways behind them. Except that one night was all it took to make them both realize they had never truly forgotten. One night of stupidity had reignited a curious passion in each of them until it became physically impossible to ignore it any longer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian had never intended to fall so disastrously in love with Nick. After hooking back up with Nick the second time, he promised himself it wouldn’t happen again. It couldn’t. How was Brian supposed to live with the fact that he had become so unfaithful to his wife? He asked himself those very questions after the third time it happened, and then the fourth, and finally after the fifth time, he blocked it out of his mind. By that point, Brian realized he had already passed the point of no return and hadn’t even looked back until he was already in way over his head. Not that Nick was any better.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Half the time, Nick would initiate and Brian couldn’t find it in himself to tell the younger man no. The feelings Nick was able to elicit from deep within Brian and vice versa was what always had them returning for more. Nick had even said that Brian had become like a drug flowing through his veins that he just couldn’t get enough of; he needed it to breathe, he needed it to function, and he needed it for life to make sense again. And try as he might to feel the opposite, in the end, Brian could only admit to feeling the same.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian wanted to hate himself for it, for the fact that he was so willingly putting his marriage to Leighanne in jeopardy and risking psychologically hurting their teenaged son. The truth was, he was betraying them both. It weighed on him for quite some time too, enough that Nick began to notice the change in his behavior and suggested that maybe they </span>
  <b>
    <em>should</em>
  </b>
  <span> stop the erroneous affair and once again try to forget that it ever happened, just go back to being who they were as friends, brothers instead of the lovers they were turning into. But Brian surprised himself when he firmly told Nick no.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want it to stop. He wasn’t sure he </span>
  <b>
    <em>could</em>
  </b>
  <span> stop at that point even if he wanted to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s because Nick was his drug too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was good, too, what they had. Like paradise. The arrangement felt flawless. For months, they had managed to see each other enough to quench their physical cravings without raising suspicions, whether that meant sneaking off to rendezvous over night when everyone was none the wiser or even just settling for a few heated moments behind closed doors before they were beckoned again to make an appearance. They had everyone fooled into thinking they had simply rekindled their close friendship from their earlier days...or so they thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian realized how wrong he was when his cousin Kevin cornered him one morning to tell him that he had caught him sneaking out of Nick’s hotel room the night before, clothes a mess with a smug freshly fucked look plastered on his face. Brian didn’t even have a chance to formulate an excuse to try to save face; Kevin had already figured it out and made it very clear that he wasn’t going to just drop it. Apparently he had been taking notice of little things here and there for a while. It was just Brian’s bad luck with bad timing that his cousin happened to step out of his own hotel room as Brian was stepping out of Nick’s. Only Brian had never taken notice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kevin was right...it </span>
  <b>
    <em>was</em>
  </b>
  <span> because of that freshly fucked look that left Brian floating on cloud nine as he made his way shamelessly back to his own hotel room where he had left Leighanne asleep in their bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“End it, whatever the fuck you and Nick have been doing, just end it now before it blows up in your face,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kevin had told him, although Brian couldn’t tell if it was more out of disgust or disappointment. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Because if you don’t, Leighanne and Lauren are </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>both</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> gonna find out about it, right along with everyone else.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kevin never specified what he had meant by that, but Brian suspected there was enough of a threat to be read between the lines that he wouldn’t put it past his cousin to actually go to both Leighanne and Lauren and tell them what had been going on between him and Nick for months.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian didn’t speak to Nick for days after Kevin confronted him. In fact, he did everything he could to avoid being anywhere near Nick whenever they weren’t required to be in the same room together for some work-related occasion or other and when there was no avoiding it, Brian kept his responses curt until Nick got the hint and stopped trying to talk to him all together. He made sure Kevin took notice of it and later on when he was pulled aside again, Brian assured his cousin it wouldn’t be happening anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he wasn’t already feeling so destroyed on the inside, Brian would have sent his fist slamming into Kevin’s face to knock the smug look of satisfaction right off of it. But instead, he simply walked off and left with Leighanne faithfully at his side as if nothing had ever happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For weeks, Brian did whatever he needed to push the thought of what he still felt for Nick out of his head, but the nights when he didn’t have Leighanne to distract him were the most difficult. He had lost count of the number of times he had woken up drenched in a cold sweat, haunting dreams of being physically connected with Nick again in the way Brian still desired not nearly as fleeting as he needed them to be. It didn’t help either that he and Nick rarely spoke these days and when they did, it was in the presence of others and always business related. Nick was a master of deceit just as much as Brian was. He lived for putting on a show so no one really knew what was going on in his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Brian knew because Brian knew Nick better than anyone else. He knew because he was feeling the same damn way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It had been Brian, though, who had reached out to Nick late one night when he couldn’t sleep because the guilt was consuming him. Not guilt because he had all but destroyed his life or his way of thinking had become so fucked up, but because of what he had done to Nick without explanation. The younger man had no idea that Kevin knew about them or had pretty much given Brian an ultimatum to end it or else. So he had sent a quick text to Nick, asking if he was awake. Brian’s heart had skipped a beat when Nick quickly called him instead of responding with a text of his own and for a brief moment, just the sound of Nick’s voice made Brian forget that there was anything wrong.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We need to talk,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Brian eventually worked up the nerve to tell him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“But face to face, not over the phone.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nick hadn’t hesitated in agreeing and even sounded a little too eager, which only made Brian feel more guilty. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“This weekend, my place in the Keys. Tell Leighanne I invited you to go deep sea fishing.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian ended the call without returning the same “I miss you” Nick offered him. He couldn’t get the words to pass his lips, no matter how much he’d wanted to say them or how much hearing Nick say them warmed Brian on the inside. All he could do was sit there in the dark of his in-home office trying to figure out what the Hell he was going to say to Nick when they finally reunited that weekend so the younger man understood Brian was only trying to protect him. There really wasn’t anything sufficient that </span>
  <b>
    <em>could</em>
  </b>
  <span> be said to right what was wrong. He just hoped he could get Nick to see the same without telling him about Kevin and the cluster fuck he was trying to prevent.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The following morning, Brian booked his flight to Key West International Airport before Leighanne and Baylee awoke for the day and sent the itinerary to Nick so he would know when to expect him, then went about his business as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Leighanne wasn’t thrilled when he told her he would be leaving for the weekend for some impromptu fishing trip, but Brian was more than relieved when she didn’t question it. The rest of the week passed by in a blur until finally Brian found himself settled in his first class seat, bound for Florida.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Arriving in the Keys tired and nervous, Brian had driven from the airport to Nick’s vacation home without much thought. Surprisingly, Nick wasn’t there when he arrived, but he knew where Nick kept the spare key and let himself in to wait for Nick to return, which is exactly what Nick had been expecting him to do because he found a note written in Nick’s messy scrawl on the coffee table.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Ran out to get a few things. Be back soon.’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not seeing that he had much choice, Brian had settled himself rigidly on the couch to wait in the silence and that’s exactly how Nick found him when he walked in an hour later, one hand carrying a cluster of grocery bags and the other gripping the necks of two wine bottles. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just like that, Nick acted like nothing had ever happened between them. He easily made plenty of small talk as he moved about the kitchen putting the groceries away, all while apologizing that the cupboards were a bit bare because it had been forever and a day since the last time he and Lauren had been there. Or maybe it was just a nervous habit because Nick didn’t actually look in Brian’s direction when he spoke. Brian had wanted to tell him to just stop and sit so they could talk, but each time he opened his mouth, Nick just kept talking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, Brian gave up and tried to relax enough to actually enjoy being in Nick’s company again. It took a while, but it had been refreshing when they fell into that familiar territory of casual banter while standing out on the back deck as Nick grilled them both rib eyes for dinner. They at least deserved a little bit of normalcy between them again, but Brian hadn’t quite been able to completely forget about the barrier that had been erected to separate them. It seemed Nick hadn’t either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Which was probably how they both ended the night by finishing off the second bottle of wine and after staring at each other in silence for several long drawn out tense moments, found themselves engaged in such a heated kiss, it had left them both breathless. That was all it had taken for them to throw caution to the wind and end up naked and tangled between the sheets only minutes later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Their reunion proved to be a whirlwind of skin rubbing against skin and perspiration accumulating because of the heat radiating between their bodies. Nick’s passion had proved intense and overly eager as if he was truly afraid that this would be the last time he saw Brian, the last time he would feel the older man’s body against his, and his last night alive on Earth. Emotions ran high as they gave into the temptation and desire they knew they would never be able completely deny.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was longing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was need.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was love.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian had allowed himself to remember just how much his heart and soul loved Nick in that moment, welcoming the sparks of pleasure that raced through his body from head to toe as they rocked their bodies desperately against one another, cocks erect and aching for the pleasurable friction. And it was only the beginning to what would prove to be their most passionate tryst yet, lasting well towards the point in time that the sun began to rise over the distant horizon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian hadn’t been able to get enough of having Nick’s body on his, around his, and in him. They couldn’t touch each other enough, couldn’t possibly commit to memory every last detail they would need to get through the days ahead. When they finally collapsed against one another, bodies spent, Brian slept the best he had in weeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They woke up the following morning, their limbs still tangled, Nick’s arms comfortably holding Brian in a lover’s embrace. He vaguely recalled feeling Nick’s cock pressing against the crack of his bare ass and somewhere in his clouded mind he hadn’t been able to stop himself from rocking back against it. Until Nick released a groan of delight while he slept and Brian’s eyes snapped wide open to realize what exactly they had allowed themselves to do the night before.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The one thing Brian had said he wasn’t going to allow them to do. But who was he kidding? Thinking back on it, there was a part of him that had always known deep inside that the sex would be inevitable. He </span>
  <b>
    <em>knew</em>
  </b>
  <span> at one point he would give in because that’s what Brian did...he always gave in when it came to Nick.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Silence, thick and palpable, had followed the pair’s moment of awakening. At first Nick had tried to get Brian to relax and return to him in the bed after he left it abruptly, but when it became clear that Brian wasn’t going to allow that to be an option for both of them, they’d scrambled in unison to find their clothing and dress so they weren’t standing there awkward and naked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“That shouldn’t have happened,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Brian had growled in frustration as he pulled his shirt from the day before down over his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“The whole point in coming here-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What did you think was gonna happen?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Nick had interrupted him with an incredulous glance of annoyance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I told you we needed to talk!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Brian hadn’t meant to yell at him, but all of the emotion he’d kept pent up regarding the matter exploded from him and proved catastrophic. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Not do the same damn thing we always do that causes trouble!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nick had laughed at that moment. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“For fuck’s sake, Brian! We had </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>sex</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> and it was great, just like it always is! I don’t understand why the Hell you’re acting like this after all this time!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s the problem!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Brian had snapped at him in return. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t understand!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something in Nick’s eyes had changed after Brian’s outburst, something that flickered and almost dulled the life reflecting in them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe I would understand if you would stop being such an asshole and explain it to me so we can move past this and go back to being us again!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“There is no </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>us</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Brian had yelled a second time, only he realized immediately what a mistake it had been. He’d tried to lower his voice into a calmer, more approachable tone, but it was obvious Nick wasn’t listening. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s why I came here! To tell you I’m sorry and this has to stop!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>sorry</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nick had blinked rather stupidly at him in return, looking much like someone who had just been punched in the stomach. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“What the fuck does that even mean? What the Hell is wrong with you? This was never a problem before!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s always been a problem!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Brian had slammed his hand down on the granite counter top because by that point, they had paced out of the bedroom and into the kitchen in the midst of their frustration. God, Brian had so desperately wanted to tell Nick that Kevin knew about them, to make Nick understand why he couldn’t allow this to continue happening because he was only trying to protect him. But it was that desire to protect Nick that kept Brian from telling him about Kevin. He was afraid it would destroy Nick. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Us...sleeping together like this...being unfaithful to our wives...it’s fucked up, Nick, and you know it!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t tell me what I know!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nick’s eyes had begun to seeth by that point. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Because you have no fucking idea about it!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“And </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>that’s </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>where you’re wrong.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> It had taken all Brian had in him in that moment to steel himself, swallow his emotions and pride, and wipe all the evidence of it from his face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Because I </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>do</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> know. I know you better than anyone else. You’re hurt and you should be. You wanna say this is all my fault, then go ahead. I’ll take the blame, gladly, because I fucked up getting involved with you, Nick. I never should have allowed it to happen in the first place. I love my </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>wife</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> and I have dishonored her and our marriage in the worst way possible, but I love </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>her</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>, Nick. </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Her</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>. Not...</span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>you</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em><span>“You’re lying to yourself,”</span></em><span> Nick had muttered, but there was something different in his voice. Something that had cracked. </span><em><span>“You’re lying to yourself and to me because you’re a fucking</span></em> <b><em>coward</em></b><em><span>.”</span></em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nick, I am begging you to just stop and try to listen to what I’m saying right now.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Brian had wanted to reason with him so desperately, to tell Nick this was for </span>
  <b>
    <em>his</em>
  </b>
  <span> own good, but they’d breached that point there was no coming back from and Brian knew it when Nick’s eyes snapped back to his.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck you, Brian,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nick had spat in return. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Just grab your shit and get out.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian had run his hands through his hair, feeling the familiar burn of the tears he didn’t want Nick to see. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Damnit, Nick! For once in your life, would you please just calm down and listen to me?!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re fucking kidding me right now, right? You made yourself perfectly clear, Brian! You’re a piece of shit and I’m </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>done</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> being your little side bitch! So go back to your perfect life in Georgia and stay the fuck outta mine!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nick, stop-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Just get the fuck out!</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Brian felt like he could vomit right then as he stopped at the back of his car where he’d left it in the parking garage of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta international airport. Going to the Keys had proved to be a mistake. After not even being there for a full twenty four hours, Nick had kicked him out and Brian had been forced to find himself a hotel room until his flight home was due to depart the following day. The trip hadn’t gone at all like Brian hoped it would and all of his texts and calls to Nick following the confrontation went unanswered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everything had gone to Hell in a handbasket.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Slamming his luggage into the back of his car, Brian climbed into the driver’s seat a moment later, wrecked from his guilt, sadness, and regret. Then, as he exited the parking garage, he reached forward to the dashboard and connected a call to his wife. It didn’t take long for Leighanne to answer. “Hey, I’m on my way home from the airport,” he barely mustered, struggling to keep his voice steady. “You’re home, right? Okay, good. Just...don’t go anywhere. We need to talk when I get home, just you and I.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was good what we had</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If that was paradise, can somebody take me back?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And it hurts looking back</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If this is for the best, then tell me why it hurts so bad?</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>CHAPTER TWO</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Regrets dancin’ around my head </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything I never said </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Still numb from you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Secrets sleepin’ all over this bed </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Memories of what we did come into view</em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Nick had always known he was a little fucked up.</p><p> </p><p>How could he not be after being raised in such a dysfunctional family? It’s not like he had the best role models to guide him through the years, until he became connected with his bandmates that was. In fact, they gave him the best stability he had ever known, especially when his parents surprisingly gave Brian, of all people, temporary guardianship of Nick when they were touring overseas. But still...all Nick knew was dysfunction and it showed in the choices he made.</p><p> </p><p>Most notably were Nick’s relationships. He was notorious for picking the ones that left him batting less than a thousand and had people talking still so many years later. What had Nick Carter been thinking? Or had he even been thinking at all? They certainly didn’t do a goddamn thing for his reputation, that was for sure, like the less than a year’s time he spent involved in a toxic whatever the Hell it really was with that bitch Paris Hilton, who did nothing more than feed his worst impulses.</p><p> </p><p>Now <b> <em>that</em> </b> was something everyone incessantly questioned and Nick would have much rather forgotten it ever happened. But he’d been so neck deep in a spiraling drug and alcohol habit during those days that he really didn’t have enough sense in him to dodge a bullet like that. You live some and you learn some...only Nick had a hard time learning. His style was more crash and burn. At least that’s the way Nick figured everyone viewed him. Not that he really gave a fuck. Not truly, and he’d learned that at an early age.</p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t ever exactly been honest with people either, not when it really came down to what mattered most. Deceiving people to keep himself protected was a skill Nick excelled at and he preferred it that way. Which was why the group of people he <b> <em>did</em> </b> let in was so small, consisting mainly of his bandmates and of course Lauren when they met and eventually married.</p><p> </p><p>Lauren...the one female in Nick’s life who had been able to reel him in and get him to settle down when no one else could. He actually admired her for it, too, not that it had been an easy feat. Hell, Nick wouldn’t have thought twice about Lauren if he didn’t believe she was something special. And somehow all these years later, not only did he make Lauren his wife, but they had managed to create two gorgeous children together. It was something he still had a hard time wrapping his mind around.</p><p> </p><p>Nick Carter, married with children.</p><p> </p><p>It was the one path in life Nick never honestly saw for himself because the <b> <em>last</em> </b> thing he wanted was to end up just as fucked up as his own parents were. They were, after all, the textbook definition of what not to do in a marriage, all while damaging your kids mentally and emotionally. And what did Nick have to show from his shitty upbringing? A distorted view of what life was really all about. Now if he could just raise his own kids without screwing them up horribly, Nick supposed he hadn’t turned out so bad in the end.</p><p> </p><p>Then again, allowing yourself to become so twisted in the head that you have no qualms about going behind your wife’s back to engage in an extramarital affair with another man who just happened to be your best friend wasn’t something that would exactly label Nick as being psychologically sound. He knew full well all about that…</p><p> </p><p>...the problem was that there had come a point in time when Nick had stopped caring, about all of it.</p><p> </p><p>Except, Nick wasn't sure when or how he had allowed himself to become so wholly and completely attached to the idea of what Brian was to him. Granted, Brian had always been Nick’s safe spot, the person he knew without a doubt he could trust when he couldn’t trust anyone else. Even when they’d had their falling out and their friendship had taken a major blow, Nick never once stopped thinking about Brian. If anything, he only thought about him more and maybe that was part of the reason why Nick had found it to be so upsetting.</p><p> </p><p>And maybe that’s why he was finding it so damn upsetting now.</p><p> </p><p>The amount of ignorance it had taken him to actually think there was a possibility that Brian would come down to the Keys and everything would seamlessly go back to the way it was with the arrangement they had astounded Nick once everything was said and done and Brian was long gone on his way back to Georgia. Nick knew he was a habitual foolish bastard at best, but he just couldn’t make sense of any of it. He didn’t understand how Brian could, after months of a sexually charged whirlwind, just turn his back and walk away like it had never meant a damn thing to him.</p><p> </p><p>Nick’s stomach turned at the thought.</p><p> </p><p>Brian was fooling himself if that’s really what he was trying to make Nick believe. There was just too much of a history there for it to mean <b> <em>nothing</em> </b>. Even during the earlier days when it had been nothing more than harmless playing around because of pure boredom or exploring fueled by curiosity, it had never meant...nothing.</p><p> </p><p>Brian had started off as the big brother Nick never had and always wanted. When the lines blurred during the early years, the older man became more, so much more, but Nick had kept it to himself. Tried to convince himself it was just a crush because he was young and stupid and didn’t know any better and that was normal, right? It was just Brian though; Nick never recalled feeling the same way about the other guys or Hell, any other man for that matter and over the years as Brian appeared to try to forget by getting married and starting a family of his own, the memories...the intense feelings of attraction and desire remained emblazoned in Nick’s mind.</p><p> </p><p>Nick thought marrying Lauren would finally make him forget, and while it may have dulled what he had always felt on the inside, it couldn’t erase the memories.</p><p> </p><p>He loved his wife something fierce and that was the damn truth. There was never a doubt in his mind about it, even now as Nick was left reeling in the aftermath of Brian’s departure. But that was the biggest problem of them all. The guilt that welled within him because he <b> <em>knew</em> </b> he didn’t love Lauren <b> <em>enough</em> </b> to stop feeding into the temptation of what kept him coming back to Brian over and over again nearly destroyed Nick inside as much as the thought of not being able to have Brian the way he wanted him.</p><p> </p><p>...Just not quite enough.</p><p> </p><p>Where the Hell had it all gone wrong?</p><p> </p><p>Nick had spent the twenty four hours following the moment Brian walked out the door wondering that very thing, burrowed in the bed they had shared some of their most intimate moments in just the night before with the curtains drawn. He didn’t sleep and truthfully when Nick really thought about it, he didn’t exactly function either. Didn’t eat...didn’t drink...didn’t sleep...just numbly laid in the bed, lost in the intoxicating scent of Brian’s cologne that had been left behind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “We need to talk. But face to face, not over the phone.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nick’s heart had actually filled with hope when Brian spoke those words. After radio silence for weeks, it was the last thing he had expected to hear and he’d spent every moment after thinking of everything he could possibly say to fix whatever the Hell had gone wrong. Brian owed him an explanation, something to help Nick understand how they had gone from passionate involvement and one unrelenting rendezvous after another to a point in time when Brian could no longer stand to look at him.</p><p> </p><p>Call Nick a hopeless optimist, but he wasn’t ready to just let it go. To let <b> <em>them</em> </b> go and continue about his life as if it never happened.</p><p> </p><p>Lauren had taken notice of the shift in Nick’s demeanor that first time he came home, after all symbolic shit had hit the fan. She’d tried questioning him about it, but Nick had snapped at her in return and explained it away as him just being exhausted until Lauren finally let him be, figuring he would come around in time. Nick always came around in time and this turned out to be no different, at least how his wife understood it.</p><p> </p><p>Then again, Lauren was too damn distracted with their two small children to even realize that her husband had become a sick and twisted unfaithful bastard. She deserved something better than Nick, that was for sure. So did Odin and Saoirse. It didn’t matter how much Nick loved and adored his children because it didn’t change the fact that was, in all essence, letting them down.</p><p> </p><p>Nick had no doubt that Lauren was suspicious the moment he told her of his plans to meet up with Brian in the Keys for what he had said was a last minute deep sea fishing excursion. And when he told her that she and the children couldn’t join him, something had changed in her eyes. It was why they didn’t speak for nearly forty eight hours before Nick left. He couldn’t face the prying questions he saw reflecting in Lauren’s eyes. Couldn’t give her the answers she deserved.</p><p> </p><p>Turns out Nick was a little more fucked up than he originally thought and Brian was a self righteous son of a bitch...that he couldn’t stop thinking about.</p><p> </p><p>Nick had left for the keys a day prior to when he knew Brian would be arriving. He wanted to get there ahead of time and do what he needed to do to get his thoughts in order, to prepare himself to state his own case for a cause he <b> <em>thought</em> </b> he understood.</p><p> </p><p><em> “You need me like I need you,” </em> Nick had told Brian confidently in his head during the flight down to Florida. He told him over and over and eventually started to imagine Brian listening and agreeing with him. <em> “I thought we were on the same page. I mean, that’s why we’ve done what we’ve been doing, isn’t it? So what the fuck is the problem all of a sudden? You can’t tell me you’re suddenly growing a conscious, that suddenly you think this isn’t right...what we have. That’s bullshit. You know it as well as I do. I’m not ashamed of us, Brian. I love you and I know you love me too.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Nick had a full twenty four hours to think about it before Brian arrived, to think about what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He spent that time filing through his favorite memories of the moments they’d spent together over the years, some of which left him breathless and cock quivering beneath the touch of his own hand. It wasn’t the first time Nick had achieved that level of pleasure and release just by thinking about Brian, imagining it was the older man instead of himself who was drawing him to the edge. Sometimes, it was the only way he could get himself off.</p><p> </p><p>If only Lauren knew…</p><p> </p><p>Nick was a disgusting sorry excuse for a husband and he knew it.</p><p> </p><p>Awakening in a nervous state the morning of Brian’s arrival, Nick had done anything and everything he could to clear his mind...jogging several miles around the neighborhood, working out with the gym equipment he kept in the garage, eating a high protein breakfast that he promptly vomited into the toilet as soon as he was finished, and sitting in the silence of his vacation home while his thoughts got away from him. Nick had sat there until the air around him began to feel suffocating, until he couldn’t sit still any longer and finally scribbled a quick note to Brian letting him know he would be back shortly, leaving the house only twenty minutes before Brian was due to arrive.</p><p> </p><p>Nick drove around aimlessly for a brief period, mostly for the fact that his nerves were so shot, he could barely see straight. Why the fuck why he so nervous to see Brian again? Certainly it was irrational? Eventually he stopped at one of the local food markets, picked up a two-pack of the best rib eyes he could find, some potatoes for baking, some other basic essentials, and a couple of bottles of red wine to enjoy during dinner.</p><p> </p><p>Brian was sitting on the couch waiting for him when Nick returned back to his vacation home nearly an hour and a half after he’d left. After first, neither of them said anything, instead sharing in one of those awkward moments of tension filled silence with their eyes locked. But then, Nick had forced himself to snap out of it and busied himself with enough small talk as he put the groceries away.</p><p> </p><p>He talked.</p><p> </p><p>Brian didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>That was until Brian eventually joined Nick out on the back deck while he was grilling the rib eyes on that expensive grill he insisted on getting when purchasing the home even though it didn’t get nearly as much use as it deserved for the cost. Brian had approached him with a glass of wine in each hand and just like that, the two returned to familiar territory. Their lighthearted banter was refreshing, as were the occasional glances he caught from Brian when he thought Nick wasn’t looking and vice versa. There was a lot to be said in the words that weren’t spoken.</p><p> </p><p>They enjoyed dinner in silence, sitting across from each other at the dining room table, carrying the dishes into the kitchen to tidy up. Standing there at the sink, working together in the manner they were, almost felt <b> <em>too</em> </b> normal for comfort and when they were both finished, Nick poured them the remainder of the wine from the second bottle. It was barely enough for a quarter of a glass each, but they both enjoyed every last drop of it while continuing to stand there, leaning against the edge of the counter, facing each other.</p><p> </p><p>It took a bit before Nick realized that neither of them had spoken in quite some time and had locked gazes in a way neither of them could look away from. Within a split second, Nick had abandoned his empty wine glass and yanked Brian close, crashing their lips together and overtaken by his surprise when the older man kissed him just as eagerly in return.</p><p> </p><p>There was no mistaking the desperation between them and how it left them both equally breathless when they finally pulled back. At first, Nick thought he saw an odd sadness reflecting in Brian’s eyes, but the need to devour his lips again, to feel his body against his, took over all of Nick’s rational thinking. He didn’t even hesitate to yank on Brian’s hand and tug him in the direction of the master bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>Minutes later, Nick fell naked into the bed with Brian, limbs immediately tangled in a hasty need to get as close as possible. Nick had groaned into Brian’s mouth when he felt his cock already erect and grinding against his own as they rocked against each, tongues twisting together in an undulating dance. The fear that he was on the verge of truly losing his lover caused Nick’s eagerness to intensify as he clung to Brian desperately, giving into their mutual temptation.</p><p> </p><p>At one point, Nick had reached between them and took hold of Brian’s cock, stroking his length from base to tip repeatedly to elicit the groans he so loved to hear passing Brian’s lips. Those sweet, perfectly velvet lips that had a way of wrapping around the head of his own cock and taking Nick to a level of ecstasy only Brian was capable of doing. Brian’s hand had found Nick’s cock as well and together they stroked each other in unison until their first release became a sticky mess against sweaty skin.</p><p> </p><p>Afterward, they had barely given each other a chance to recover before continuing, Nick doing everything he could to Brian’s body to prove to the older man just how much he really needed him. He’d taken Brian’s length into his mouth and milked him dry, all while teasing the tight hole of his ass until Brian had writhed beneath him pathetically, begging for more. And Nick had entered Brian’s warmth as he felt himself teetering dangerously close to his own release, claiming Brian’s lips hungrily while pounding into him as if it were the last time.</p><p> </p><p>It couldn’t be the last time.</p><p> </p><p>Nick didn’t want to let him go.</p><p> </p><p>He needed Brian.</p><p> </p><p>He loved Brian.</p><p> </p><p>Brian kept Nick alive.</p><p> </p><p>Nick didn’t remember the point in time either of them passed out, completely spent and satisfied, locked in the warmth of their embrace. It had felt safe and it had felt like somehow the rest of the world had managed to melt away from them. Then he awoke the following morning with his chest pressing flush against Brian’s back and when he’d felt the way Brian’s bare ass pushed back against his cock, Nick had willing welcomed the sparks of pleasure that awakened him further.</p><p> </p><p>Until Brian suddenly bolted out of the bed with a startled and nothing Nick could have said to him would be enough to draw him back between the rumpled sheets. So, they had scrambled in unison to gather their clothing and get dressed before migrating into the kitchen where their empty wine glasses still sat on the counter from the night before.</p><p> </p><p>Brian had begun to yell at him, as if he was placing all of the blame upon Nick’s shoulders. As if everything was a problem when it never had been before. Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing or that Brian had actually had the audacity to stand there and try to convince him all of sudden he had grown a conscious about the fact that they were betraying their unsuspecting wives with their infidelity, as if Nick was some sort of fucking idiot who had never thought of that before.</p><p> </p><p><em> “I love my </em> <b> <em>wife</em> </b> <em> and I have dishonored her and our marriage in the worst way possible. But I love </em> <b> <em>her</em> </b> <em> , Nick. </em> <b> <em>Her</em> </b> <em> . Not...you.” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t love you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t love you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t love you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nick had felt as if he couldn’t breathe in that moment as Brian’s words repeated in his mind. He told him that he was lying to both of them because he was a fucking coward and when Brian begged him to just listen, Nick told him to get his shit and get out.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re fucking kidding me right now, right? You made yourself perfectly clear, Brian! You’re a piece of shit and I’m done being your little side bitch! So go back to your perfect life in Georgia and stay the fuck outta mine!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Nick, stop-” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>“ Just get the fuck out! ”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t actually expected Brian to leave and when the front door slammed shut a short time later, Nick felt as if his entire world had just collapsed around him. He’d slid down the kitchen wall in the silence of the aftermath, numb and in shock, unable to move, where he stayed the entire day until the sun began to set later that evening.</p><p> </p><p>Brian had tried to call him...once...twice…three times until finally Nick turned his phone on silent. He left the calls unanswered and the numerous texts unopened. What was even the point when Brian had said his peace and Nick had let him just walk out the front door?</p><p> </p><p>Why the <b> <em>fuck</em> </b> had Nick just let Brian walk away without fighting to get him to understand the mistake he was making? Or perhaps Nick was the one who had made the biggest mistake of all and now he would have to pay the price for it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Go back to your perfect life in Georgia and stay the fuck outta mine! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Those very words haunted Nick throughout his journey home and when he finally arrived late in the evening after the children were already asleep, he told Lauren how sorry he was without telling her why and then took her to their bed where he fucked the Hell out of her roughly until he was able to push the thoughts of Brian out of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>Nick knew at that moment that he was <b> <em>very</em> </b> fucked up.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> And it hurts looking back </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If this is for the best, then tell me why it hurts so bad? </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
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